Remembering is Love

I have spent the past 30 years worth of Christmasses in my hometown Cebu. Thirty Christmasses In a 3 house compound lined up in a cozy little street called Sanjercasvil Private Road. But this year is a little bit different. I sit on a bamboo chair at Tita Virgie's lanai and look at Yoya's house just a few steps away almost expecting her to come out of the swing door in her brown Carmelite dress and call out, "Hi Choots!". Her voice full of life. Full of certainty. Full of purpose.

I wonder what makes her passing so different from my Yoyo's. Me and my relatives have contemplated about it a lot but I'm not sure if we really understood it fully. As I move along Christmas day today I stare at the quiet house and remember her presence. I remember how much of it was shared and poured into to every moment we came to visit.

I suppose her that's why her passing aches a little bit more. It's because she always made sure that she was never absent for anything significant in my life.

The memories of Yoya come in waves right now. The most recent one I remember was when she attended my Life in the Spirit Seminar sharing in August of last year. I remember finishing my testimony in tears. Welcomed by the hugs of family and friends. And there silently standing to wait for me to reach her was my grandmother. A proud smile on her lips. A certain twinkle in her eye. She hugged me and said in her most certain voice, "I love you Choots."

I don't know why out of all the memories I have of her, this is what surfaces today. It's not that easy to find the words nor to make sense of it all. But in a silent melancholy way, today I remember how much I am loved.

An Evening Meditation on St. Therese of Lisieux

The darkness enfolds me, Lord, it is the end of another day. Noises are being hushed, and I still my restless heart in your presence.

I rejoice that I am safe in your keeping whatever may come to pass. And I thank you for the many blessings received today and throughout my life. You have fashioned my soul to seek you out, and now that I have found you, I know you will never let me go.

As the day draws to a close, I reflect on many things, and find I am negligent in remembering your commandment to love others as you love me.

Your little friend, St. Therese, understood your dear request, and tonight I am reminded of that phrase that traced her own destiny: “At the evening of life, you will be judged on love.”

If I am judged on love, Lord, I confess to many lapses. And before this day goes by forever, forgive me, for not having comforted those who need support, for turning away when someone looked for help, for using harsh words instead of kind ones, for remaining silent when others deserved praise.

Help me to remember the words of St. Therese, and increase my little ways of love to share with friends and strangers. In prayer, link me with those who suffer, are hungry or distressed. Take them in your care, Lord, and let your loving spirit fill the world tonight, so that we may understand the true meaning of life, when you again send us your morning light.

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This is a prayer I found in my Lola's prayer book (The Divine Office). It was inserted in one of the pages and peeked out when I was leafing through. St. Therese is a saint who has permeated my life and my family's life for as long as I remember. I take comfort under her wing in this time of healing and restoration.

For Lola

For my Lola who passed away November 30, 2008.

Dear Lola,

There are a lot of things I don’t understand right now and am finding it hard to grasp. I don’t understand why in our family death would always come in the season of Christmas. I don’t understand why in our family grief is always dealt with laughter instead of tears. I don’t understand why in our family deep affection is mostly expressed in deep silence.

There are a lot of things I don’t understand about death and what it takes away and what it leaves behind. Like my memory of rushing to write little notes behind the photographs I took just a week before you passed. I found my littlest doll and remembered the tons of dolls you kept above your shelf. So I thought you’d probably need one for company. I sent the doll I named Star along with envelope of photos and through my Mom just a week before your final goodbye. It never occurred to me that my lighthearted liking for dolls was something you and I shared till now. I didn’t know that this would be the last thing I would do for you because all I was thinking was trying to finding a way to make you smile as you lay in the hospital healing from everything you’ve been going through.

Mom said you liked the photos and in our last conversation which happened also just a week before, your muffled voice told me with much effort but with a lot of conviction, that you’ve seen the photographs and they’re beautiful.

It occurs to me now that behind that strong, bold and decisive exterior was hidden a little girl, who probably had many stories to share with her dolls simply veiled by a canopy of dreams we couldn’t quite see.

I realize now that I never got so close as to finding out what your own dreams were and if some of my dreams were actually yours bearing fruit. But I know that you went to all of our graduations and I know that you proudly displayed all your children’s diplomas on your living room wall. I realize now that these walls were where you stored your memories and that you held these memories so dear that you can’t help but share them to every guest that came into your home.

I didn’t realize that we both liked the color red. I never admitted my liking for it in the beginning because Red might be too bold or too strong or to out there. And for most my life, I remember always having to struggle with being “too out there”. But you never shied away from boldness or any moment that called for you to stand up and offer what you can of yourself in service to God or in casual companionship for another. I realize that your daily afternoon routines of taking a drive down the city streets of Cebu or the panoramic roads of the South Reclamation was a silent devotion to the virtue of always having the zeal to remain in active participation in the life you had lived.

There was so much energy in your step and so much persistence in your stride that no wheelchair, no cane, and no, not even a leg amputation can keep you down. To your last breath, you had enough fight in you to even go looking for your shoes.

Even when the lights grew dim and your memory faded, you stayed awake long enough to graciously send everybody off.
I realize, we your family, was everything to you. There are no compromises in your mind and in your heart when it came to ensuring that your family is taken cared of, well fed or warmly attended to. Your intensity protected us. Your passion fueled us to move through life. It didn’t matter whether we took different paths because the fierceness of your love always brought us to remembering home.

This night before we bade you our last farewell, we remember everything. We hold everything. We feel everything. Though you may find us badlungon tonight because of this tribute, I pray that you allow us to just do what we do best. I’m sure you’ve already found a new pair of shoes and perhaps a bright red dream cloud that’s carrying you off to the your most exciting laag ever, allow us to serenade you with our own heartsongs. Songs that cradle for us the most intimate memories we have of you and what we have shared in this life. Songs that say, we know and understand now the life you lived and who you were in ours. Songs that say, we have learned, you have made a difference and the fierce and fiery way your heart kept beating for each one of us sets us free.

So La, everything is okay. We are fine. We are definitely well fed and your love will hover and keep us warm through all our days.

It’s now your time to dance. Walk Free.

We love you.

The Sky Smiled Tonight

The last time it happened was recorded to be at 1818. The next time it is predicted to happen is in 247 years. I deeply regret not having taken a photograph when I was already staring at the scene because it was right above me.

The sky looked like twilight. Faint hues of light glowing from just above the horizon. Darker shades of blue hovering above making the crescent moon glow with much charm upon velvet.

It's an awesome phenomenon and it makes me wonder about the Universe's Hand and how it seems to fingerpaint the sky with much beauty like this.