A Repost: The State of My Soul

This is a repost from Matt's blog.

I've been following his blog for about 4 years now ever since I started blogging in Xanga. I'm trying to catch up on my blog subscriptions this morning because I believe that those I've been subscribed are really instrumental in helping me keep my faith steadfast.

Today this comes to me like my own words have been taken from my mouth. The struggle of articulating what you feel as an expressive release is an arduous task especially when you are most vulnerable. But I admire people who are able to express their vulnerability with so much tenderness because it shows me how much they trust God's love.

So this inspires me today and fuels me again to keep walking regardless of how the state of my soul is in.

________________

I think I found it so hard to answer because the state of my soul has been, above all else, needy.

The past semester was very difficult. It has been the most difficult academic challenge of my life, and the coming semester will be more so. Last semester I got an A, another A, an A-, and a B+. That leaves me with a gpa of 3.75 for the time being. For those who care about such things, it is a very fine gpa. For those who care greatly about such things, it is merely fair. For my own part, I am pleased and learned a great deal.

The most important thing I learned the past semester was not biblical exegesis nor the finer shades of Greek grammar nor physical and psychological development nor the various schools of psychotherapeutic theories (in my personal order of descending importance).

The most important thing I learned was simply that I need grace desperately, daily, a constant supply. I am the broken one, hospitalized with the oxygen tube of grace in my nose. No, let me be the more severe case, wearing the full oxygen mask. And give me a feeding tube of grace. And give me an IV drip, but let it not merely drip. Let it flow always, let it gush and roar and rage into me. Helpless, let the air and sustenance and liquid gold of grace be my everything.

I've known, but only begun to know, how weak and needy I am; how futile and frail on my own; how carnal and wretched; how craving sin; my being fairly crouching at its door, awaiting the slightest hair's breadth opening to lunge against it and engorge myself on folly. Or how reluctant toward good, toward self-sacrifice and servanthood, toward shining and radiance and worship, so slow, hesitant, and wayward in pursuing glory. Or how tolerant of icy drafts seeping in through cracks and crevices to chill the heart and slow its motions.

But by grace I sought Him, held Him as one being held by Him, seeking even while fallen or filthy or wayward or frail. And I manage to seek Him still, and I learn daily to cast myself upon Him.

Last semester was glorious. It was an awesome journey of learning and love. I saw Him move through minds and hearts and felt Him deeply in my own. I was loved, and I loved. I touched and was touched. I stood amazed in His presence, and drank in His word. All these I experienced as but a drop in the bucket of what could be, but the little drop grows. However, I learned above all this one cherished lesson - that I am weak and He is strong.

- Mystic Ramblings, January 16, 2009