This is What It Means to Be Held

Perhaps it's for my own keepsake and so I will never forget how God has delivered me and my family during this time that I chronicle these words that kept my heart from breaking.

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Psalm 112:7-9. This Psalm came to me during the end of 2008 and carried me through my fears and anxieties in transitioning to my new job. The job that God has provided for me as a way out of the hopeless situation I was in. This Psalm persisted in its promise as I clung to it with all my heart upon hearing my Dad's situation.

7 He will have no fear of bad news;
his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

8 His heart is secure, he will have no fear;
in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.

9 He has scattered abroad his gifts to the poor,
his righteousness endures forever;
his horn ^[a] will be lifted high in honor.

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Romans 4:17-21. These verses from Romans lifted my heart and made re-focus on what truly matters. Amidst the despair and the fear, I held these verses close to remain steadfast in my belief.

He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed—the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. 18Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be."^[d] 19Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah's womb was also dead. 20Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, 21being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised.

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The Pilgrim's Progress. Is an essay by John Bunyan found in a compilation of essays found in the library of CS Lewis. Javi found this essay by chance when he flipped open my book and prophetically showed to me something I believe God had wanted me to read so I will remain in hope.

Now I could see in my dream that the High-way Christian was to travel on was protected on either side by a Wall, and the Wall was called Salvation. Burdened Christian began to run up the High-Way, but not without great difficulty because of the load he was carrying on his back.

He ran this way until he came to a place on somewhat higher ground where there stood a Cross. A little way down from there was an open Grave. And I saw in my dream that just as Christian approached the Cross, his Burden came loose from his shoulders, fell from his back, and began to roll downward until it tumbled into the open Grave to be seen no more.

After this, Christian was glad and light. He exclaimed with a joyful heart, "Through His sorrows He has given me rest, and through His death He has given me life." Then he stood still for awhile to examine and ponder the Cross; for it was very surprising to him that the sight of the Cross alone had brought him complete deliverance from His Burden. So he continued to look and watch until springs of tears welled up in his eyes and came pouring down his cheeks.

Then, as he stood watching and weeping, three Shining Ones suddenly appeared and greeted him. "Be at peace!" The first announced. "Your sins are forgiven!" The second one stripped off his tattered clothing and dressed him in bright new garments. After this, the third one set a mark upon his forehead and handed him a Scroll with a seal on it. He directed Christian to study the Scroll as he traveled and to present it upon his arrival at the Celestial Gate.

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God's Word Today November 2008 Edition. This thin pamphlet like magazine was resting on my Dad's side table by his bedside. I found it immediately after I read Pilgrim's progress because I was looking for something to bring to Cebu. In bold letters, the Editors Note is entitled Resist Fear...Embrace Hope!

Fear is a normal reaction to the unknown. While science and technology have pushed back the frontiers of the unknown, we still know very little, if anything about where and in what shape this planet will be, let's say, in the year 3000. Natural disasters, reduction of non-renewable resources, nuclear, chemical and biological threats, terrorism and genocides make some people fear that the day of Armageddon or Doomsday is near.

Quite a few will turn to the book of Revelation--the Apocalypse of John--to confirm their apprehensions and will not be reassured by what they find in some chapters of this last book of the New Testament. It would be very unwise to remain blind to or even to minimize the threats we are facing today, but this is no reason to read into the Apocalypse the script of what is going to happen tomorrow.

When John wrote the Apocalypse, he and his community had many reasons to fear. James had been martyred in Jerusalem in the early forties, Peter and Paul in Rome in the early sixties; war and destruction had been raging in Jerusalem at the hands of the Romans; and now John himself is a prisoner in exile in Patmos and some of his brothers have been martyred, "because of the word of God and the testimony of Jesus" (1:9): It is a time of "great ordeal" (7:14). things coulnd't be worse, and reasons to fear were many.

But in no way do John and his community yield to fear or resignation. The very first words John hears from the mouth of Jesus himself are: "Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last" (1:17). These are the words that John needed to hear from his Lord and that he vowed to pass on to his community.

In times of tribulation, the people of God have no need for prophets of doom, but for prophets of hope. John, the Seer of Patmos, has rightly set the focus on the Victorious Lamb and on the future inaugurated through his resurrection. His numerous and vigorous appeals to courage an dpatient endurance are welcome in this day and age. Be not afraid to read his book, and you'll find compelling reasons to embrace hope.

New Life. New Hope. New Creation.

This morning I am awake early. Listening to songs that my cousin Sister Jennifer has been sending me for the past few days to comfort my family during this time of healing. My heart latches on to this song that's playing on my iTunes now. It's called Be Still.

The layers of my heart that's been constricted because of fear is slowly loosening up. And I am taking in all the air I can breathe in of this new life and new hope that's being given to my family. My perspective has changed about a lot of things. More willing to let go of what's transitory. More eager to cling to what's eternal.

Be Still - Sister Jennifer Villa

Behind The Exterior

It's been a week since my Dad has been hospitalized in Cebu Doctors Hospital because of infection complications caused by a small eruption of his skin in the scrotum area. It's been two weeks or so since I started my new job. It's been almost 2 months since my grandmother passed away.

Barely recovering from another, it piles up on you like a stack of unfinished work. I know I have seen God's grace in all situations and I have witnessed his glory fall upon my life. But there are still some things that are left dwelling in my emotions that need to be healed only in God's time.

The human frailty still exists but I find myself even more persistent in enduring what this life is giving me. Not quick to succumb to despair. But ever so quick in holding on to hope. I am certain that what sustains me now isn't my own strength, not even my own will. For I am not a patient person nor am I an easily forgiving soul.

I am watching my Dad sleep on the hospital bed. Finally the series of visits have died down for today. I'm hoping that it will stay a little bit more quiet for a while so that I can hear myself think. The residue of fear is still quite fresh. I was almost prepared to give up and accept the inevitable. I stared at it in the face and a flood of memories rushed through me. The pictures printed on my memory bracelet stood out on waking moments where I'd stare into space wondering how my Dad was doing while I was still in Manila. I was already trying to imagine what it would be like should he not survive this. Thinking about it caused such a painful ache in my heart.

It is quite different when you face the reality of death this way. When it is your Dad's life ticking on a clock. I can now imagine what kind of pain my parents felt when they lost their own parents too. I am quite lucky though because I am given another chance to understand what dying and losing someone means before it actually happens. And so I am able to live the new chapter of my family's life a little bit differently.

This Christmas Season has indeed been different. Starting off this New Year full of promise and hope manifests a little bit differently for me this time. But despite all the seeming tumult that shakes the exterior circumstances of my journey, I am growing more steadfast in faith. Closer to seeing the truth the lies behind REAL LOVE.

Flying With Hope

Today the flag of victory rises higher.

I heard my father laugh an ecstatic "Hurray" this afternoon when his doctor told him that he can now drink unlimited amounts of water. During the past days of his hospitalization, they limited his fluid intake. Now his kidneys are doing better. Creatinine levels are down to 2.2 this morning. The results of his ultrasound show that the infection HAS NOT gone to the liver.

I never thought I could see the rainbow after the rain. But in 1 day, the day of the Sto. Nino's feast, hope shone through.

There are still so many things on my mind. There are many details that are woven so intricately and I am still amazed at how the events reflect the hand of God's lovingkindness.

Today, I fly with hope. Today I live with hope.

On First Days and Work Spaces

I don't remember the feeling of ever having a first day at work. I suppose the last time I felt that was back in 2000. My most recent job didn't feel so much like I had a "first day at work" because it didn't really start on such a formal and structured footing. There are advantages of not being structured. But I realized that if the lack of structure is prolonged too long, the drive that catapults progress declines at a faster rate than growth.

Today was my first day of work at my new job. I came in pretty early and was made to wait for about an hour in the lobby because the receptionist didn't know that the CEO was already in his office waiting for me. On a normal occasion that would have agitated me but there is something significant about a pleasant morning drive void of traffic and full of green scenery that just keeps you calm instead of the usual road rage I experienced after having worked in the city for more than 6 years. Not to mention the overwhelming peace that pervaded my morning for some reason. :)

God's timing seems to always make things work out in an unexplainable fashion. I thought I would be exhausted from the lack of rest because of the busy Christmas Holiday Season but the last 2 days was made enough for me to catch up and get a second wind to sustain me through my first day of work.

What I really love about this first day of work is having my own table. Not that I've never had my own table before but the last year I've been working in my past job provided me with such a small office corner that has become quite unbearable over time. I realized now that work environment is pretty essential in sustaining my job motivation and one aspect that delighted me today is my very own neat and spacious work space.

To be specific: having my own work space is essential in my job motivation.

I was also quite refreshed by the welcoming atmosphere emanating from smiling employees. Quite a change from all the grumble and the frowns that greeted my morning in the past. The CEO's EA is a cheerful one. Her name is Che and she helped me quite cheerfully throughout my first day. I've never encountered such a cheerful worker 6 months into the company. I spent some time getting to know her and was delighted by her light spirit. I'm sure there will be times that the positivism will wane but it helps to see that there are people who remain enthused especially if those people are the ones leading you.

I was invited to attend a meeting later in the afternoon and one stark difference from all the meetings I've attended the past 2 years was how brief and straight to the point it was. Direct questions expecting direct answers. Questions that provoked some thought and creativity. Something I've missed since business school caseroom discussions 3 years ago. It didn't matter to me, the minor shortcomings that perhaps frustrated the progress being expected, I was enamored by how the environment was so light it allowed me to breathe and most of all THINK.

It felt like I found an oasis in a desert.

I realize then that I am motivated when I am led by highly thought provoking leaders who are progressive in their thinking. It is not so much that they are up to date with everything but it's how they think that inspires me to become creative with them. I realize that I am also motivated when I am led by decisive leaders because it encourages the pursuit of willfullness in all my endeavors.

There is a tiny pantry in the Executive Office just right behind my work space. There is a lady by the name of Lita who makes good Batangas coffee for me. She is not as charming as Manang Isabel just yet but maybe I still have to get to know her better.

The Cavite air remains cool all throughout the day. The plant is not centralized with airconditioning but it doesn't feel hot. I was buried underneath 5 huge ring binders filled with information I had to chew on to catch up but I didn't mind.

It's definitely been a breath of fresh air. One that's been long awaited and hoped for.

Finding this job was a miracle. Living through my first day was another miracle. I can't wait to discover the other miracles hidden in this journey this time around.

I See Grace

I'm getting myself ready for my first day at work tomorrow. New job. New year. Hopeful expectations of a better year.

Seeing grace. Being grace. Living grace. In everything.

Lessons from Work Resignations: Seeing Beyond The Change that Endings Bring and Taking that Leap of Faith to Begin Again

I've resigned twice in my life. The first resignation was to pursue higher learning in business school. In that resignation, there was a party to send me and a couple of people off where I got an award for innovation and leadership. I was unsure about my next move. I was scared about the next step. I didn't have any amunition with me to ensure that I will succeed. My life moved on 2 months after and before I knew it I was sitting in a caseroom filled with 73 people from different nationalities battling over airtime to discuss opinions about a 15 pager Harvard Business Case.

I was clueless. I was lost. I felt like a little girl in a room full of grown-ups. What was I doing here, I asked? A few months passed and I realized that I wasn't the only one asking that question. Two years down the line I passed my thesis. My grades weren't impressive. I was only proud of a couple of subjects that were leaning towards self-mastery, art, creativity, entrepreneurship. All the rest were average. Two weeks before graduation, our class president asked if I can deliver the graduation response speech in behalf of our batch. She said I was the best orator in class. It didn't sink in that my oratory skills were worth a place on stage for graduation. I thought those were just given to students who were graduating at the top of the list. The spot was given to me for some reason and so I delivered my first graduation speech in all my academic life. What I didn't get in honor medals or dean's list awards, I miraculously made up for in that 5 minutes of airtime graduating from one of the Philippines' toughest business schools in 2005.

I didn't know what I was going to next. So I ended up volunteering for church as a fulltime youth minister. The experiences were so overwhelming and I needed time to figure my life out again. Coming out of a business boot camp armed me with a sharp mind and a pretty tough interior. It also gave me a humbled spirit. Working for a church organization seemed easy enough. It should be. After all, I was working with a bunch of kids. What can be so complicated with that? But I was mistaken when I realized that I was dealing with unique individualities and vulnerable hearts that called for much nurturing than I was capable of giving. I was spent. Dried up. And in parallel, started off to pursue the first stage of my career as a change catalyst.

They say, people who institute change are those who are able to withstand the toughest change themselves. I've read about people like these. I've read about their lives and I've seen some of them in person. I've always marveled at their tough inner core. Oftentimes shrinking shyly back because I have nothing to show since I considered myself quite weak.

And I am. Two years stay in the company I got into after my volunteer stint exhausted all creativity out of me. Transitioning from entrepreneurial environment to professional without any back-up, no clear structure, no grounded support from the instigator of change whatever I learned in business school that will help me survive went down the drain. Soon I stopped reading business books or leadership journals and went for The Daily Word, Devotionals and Podcasts. I realized that I am battling with the toughest mindset to break in all change initiatives because that mindset belongs to the one who wants the change himself. I went horizontal and reached out to my peers. I went vertical to reach up to management. I barely made a dent.

I'm not sure if I still made a dent. I have stacks of studies and reports and files saved in my hard drive as a result of the churning of brainpower to satisfy all expectations I could ever anticipate. But that's all they are now. Files.

Today is my last day of work and my arms were full this morning because I carried some gifts I bought for a few co-workers who I have grown attached to during my 2.5 year journey. You'd expect someone who has been hired to change the make-up of a 1.2B company to have more than two arm-full of packages. But no. I can only list with my two hands those I can say I really made a difference with. And half of them were not even from any department that I directly worked with. Half of them were the receptionist, the company driver, the company guard, the company janitor and janitress.

But I was cheerful today because I enjoyed painting my gift wrappers and writing handwritten thank you notes to those I wanted to wish all the best to.

I handed them with a "Para sa inyo po." (This is for you) and a warm smile. I know they didn't expect anything from me. And I also didn't expect anything from them. But the response was overwhelming.

Two of them cried after they read my note. And one of them said they were intending to buy a bag (my gift was a knapsack). There was really nothing to my note, I thought. It was a simple:

Napagaan niyo ang mga araw ko dito sa opisina. Salamat sa pag-tulong niyo sa kin sa mga maliit na bagay: pagbukas ng pinto, pagbati sa umaga, pagtimpla ng kape. (You made my life easier here in the office. Thank you for helping me in small things: opening the door, greeting me in the morning, making me coffee).

I didn't realize how much those words meant to them till I saw how it moved them. I didn't realize how much I was grateful really until I saw their tears. I thought I was just being gracious and cordial like people who resign from offices do. But there was something more.

I realized that no matter how small a contribution or how low your position, there will always be a moment meaningful enough to be remembered. Meaningful enough to be held. Meaningful enough to fuel a heart changed forever.

I am much more certain about where I am going this time around. I am much more certain about what I can do and who I want to be. But it's funny because it wasn't some great big career breakthrough or most expected promotion that brought about this epiphany. No awards were given this time to send me off. In fact, if I paid close detail to what the facts say of this experience it only spells one thing: I failed.

I look out of my office window from my little office corner for the last time. The skies are cloudy but the sun is bright. The skyline has patches of gray and orange. Breathing in, I sense something else.

The facts may describe one thing. But faith determines something else. Interspersed with reality and possibility is that very small window of breathing hope. That small window kept me above water. Kept me believing despite circumstances that because I am a child of the heavens, the hands that made a miracle out of me will not stop till the masterpiece is unveiled. Against all odds, against all scars...I am Redeemed. And there's no greater victory I can ever experience in my life than that.

What Is Offset Printing?

I have never come across this term till now and it's funny because this production process is actually something that I partake on a daily basis. So why am I asking what off-set printing is? I'm asking because it is what the business of my new career journey will be. :)

And reading through this short introduction on off-set printing I realize that I am in the right path. Aligned to all my dreams. How funny that just yesterday I thought everything seemed hopeless but as the inspiring Pastor Prince says, "Hold fast to hope in the most impossible circumstances". And I did. And here I am. A step nearer. A heartbeat closer. Riding on a new wave of hope. :)

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The next time you read a newspaper, browse through a magazine or even glance at brochures in the mail spare a thought and think about what it takes to print and publish such vast amounts of information and graphics. Offset printing is responsible for almost 40% of all printed material that you see around you.

It would be difficult to create a complete list of the applications of offset printing. If something needs to be printed, offset printing can do it. Here are some examples of the applications of offset printing to get you thinking on the entire scope of offset printing.

• Newspapers are probably the most visible example of offset printing that is a part of everyone’s life. Every morning you are greeted with an application of offset printing. It is to the credit of the speed of offset printing that such high volumes can be generated every single day.
• Books are another application of offset printing without which life would simply not be the same. Whether for education or entertainment, books are the life source of many a people and they have offset printing to thank for making books affordable.
• The law too has to thank offset printing for making the legal process more streamlined. Large volumes of legal forms and documents are printed using offset printing.
• Businessmen would be lost without offset printing. Important financial data is at their fingertips thanks to offset printing.
• The marketing and advertising industry would regress by centuries if it weren’t for offset printing. The entire direct marketing industry would perish. Offset printing is used for printing flyers, brochures, PR material and a host of other marketing applications.

Thus, offset printing affects every aspect of our lives – social, economical, educational, professional, legal and even our relationships! Hallmark just wouldn’t have the same effect without offset printing now would it?

The Color Of My Life

So some echo of a past life comes up to me this morning and says, "Hello. You weren't so bad. Live your life." I sit here staring at my cramped up space in the office and the stacks of case studies I've read for the past 2 months. Yesterday I finally trimmed down what I wanted to do at work since God tells me to sit still here and wait.

I don't want to fit in. Nor try to. I want to be myself. And who am I is not quite sociable as others may think. But I can embrace those who attempt to embrace me. I realized I'm not quite tolerant as I used to be of people who skitter fancily around. I get annoyed with frilly little voices of girls who are too girly. I get annoyed with loud mouthed boys who lets their ego talk more than their brains. I am vehement towards those who claim to be authentic but are lying through their teeth.

Simply put, these kinds of people rob me off some good peaceful time to also sit peacefully with my struggling authentic self. That's why I'm quite protective off my breathing space.

I've been away from the public world for a while now. It hasn't been easy but the journey of painting my life with lesser color has allowed me to see which color stands out the best.

I realized, I'm all earth tone. Vibrant hues magnify my flaws. Washed out tones water down my strengths. I'm warm and raw and passionate. I'm quiet and absorbing and embracing. I pervade and penetrate. I breathe everything in until I inhale the last scent of meaning there is.

I am still amazed by how things can turn around from the inside out if you're able to just sit with the discomfort for a while. It's nerve wracking. It shakes you to the core. But the surrender becomes sweeter when you're looking forward to something better. Not because you're simply wishing it. But because you know it can happen.

an outpour

there are times when i can't explain why things happen the way they do.  why a sudden turn of events suddenly become a source of liberation instead of inhibition.  and then i remember that all i did wasn't DOING anything at all.  it was just sitting there in front of the mirror begging with my eyes closed.